A TWILIGHT Conversation with My Nine-Year-Old Boy

Boy, doing homework at kitchen table. Me, sitting on the couch, writing on laptop. TV is on in the background.

Boy: What's that on TV?

Me: (looks up) Twilight.

Boy: Which episode?

Me: (grins at Star Wars reference) The first one.

Boy: Why is he making that face?

Me: Because he wants to eat her.

Boy: Does he eat her?

Me: No.

Boy: What does he eat?

Me: Animals.

Boy: Is he a vampire?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Does she know he's a vampire?

Me: Not yet.

Boy: How does she find out?

Me: She asks him.

Boy: What does he answer when she asks if he's a vampire?

Me: (giggles) Say it. Out loud. 

(Boy finishes homework, comes to sit on couch.)

Boy: Who's that guy?

Me: His name is Mike. 

Boy: Why does Edward look like he wants to kill him?

Me: Because he's jealous. 

Boy: Does Edward kill him?

Me: No. 

Boy: Why not?

Me: Because Edward eats animals. Also, he's a pacifist.

Boy: What's a - 

Me: Never mind.

Boy: What's Jacob?

Me: He's a werewolf.

Boy: Does Bella like him?

Me: Yes.

Boy: More than Edward?

Me: No.

Boy: Who does she pick?

Me: Edward. They get married.

Boy: Is Jacob sad?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Does he fall in love with someone else?

Me: Errrr ..... yes?

Boy: Who?

Me: A girl?

Boy: A werewolf?

Me: Errrr ...... no?

Boy: What kind of girl?

Me: Just ......... a girl.

Boy: Man, those guys have long hair. Are those other werewolves?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Do Edward and Jacob ever fight over Bella?

Me: What kind of fight?

Boy: Like, a werewolf/vampire fight-fight?

Me: No.

Boy: It would be better if they did.

Me: You aren't alone in that opinion.

Boy: What's happening here?

Me: The bad vampires are coming.

Boy: Is Edward a good vampire?

Me: Yes.

Boy: Do the bad vampires eat the science teacher?

Me: ................... no.

Boy: Wow. Edward is a good driver.

(Bella takes Edward to the forest to confront him.)

Boy: Are you sure he isn't going to eat her?

Me: I'm sure.

Boy: Wow, he runs fast.

(Edward prepares to show Bella what he looks like in the sunlight.)

Boy: Is this gonna be scary?

Me: It depends on your point of view.

Boy: Did they put GLITTER on him?

Me: I don't think so.

Boy: It looks like they did. But it's cool. Kinda.

(Boy loses interest during heroin/skin of killer/etc.)

Boy: What are they doing?

Me: Laying in the forest.

Boy: Isn't that cold?

Me: Edward has skin like ice.

Boy: And glitter.

Me: Yeah.

Boy: Did the doctor bite him?

Me: He turned him into a vampire.

Boy: So, what? The doctor turns all the people that are dying into vampires, but not the ones that are faking?

Me: Not all of the people who are dying.

Boy: So just ones that will be good vampires?

Me: Kind of.

Boy: Does Jacob's dad freak out when he finds out he's a werewolf?

Me: No, he expects it to happen.

Boy: Would you want me to be a werewolf or a vampire?

Me: Not particularly.

Boy: Why?

Me: Because they aren't real.

Boy: But if they were?

Me: What would you want to be?

Boy: What do werewolves eat?

Me: Regular food.

Boy: Do they just run around until they get tired? And then turn back into people?

Me: Yes.

Boy: That sounds good. But, Edward is the same age all the time?

Me: Yes.

Boy: What will he do when Bella gets old?

Me: He changes her before she gets old.

Boy: How?

Me: .................... er ................. it's hard to explain.

Me: (Fast-forwards through underwear and kissing while child is looking at DSI.) By the way. Don't ever go into a girl's bedroom by climbing through her window. Because that's creepy. And wrong.

Boy: (wide-eyed stare) Why, because she could be changing or something?

Me: Just ... if you ever visit a girl, go through her front door. And make sure her parents answer it.

Boy: (more staring) Okay.

Me: (sweats) Okay.

Boy: WOW! OHH! COOL! Best baseball game EVER! Alice can pitch! Are these the bad vampires? Ooooh! One is named Victoria! And she has red hair! Like our Victoria!

(Boy is not interested in YOU ARE MY LIFE NOW, etc.)

(Boy is very interested in crashing mirrors, ripped up floors and blood, etc.)

(Side Note: Catherine Hardwicke can work a montage.)

Boy: Um ... are they gonna go away from each other?

Me: Not in this movie.

Boy: Why is she, like, spitting?

Me: Because she's ........ worried.

Boy: I like the dad. And why doesn't she just wear another boot to the dance? Instead of that shoe?


Me: These vampires don't have teeth.

Boy: Yes, they do. I can see them!

Me: Fangs. They don't have fangs.

Well, what did you think?

Boy: Good. (Shrugs, goes back to playing DSI. Looks up.) Oh, hey. When can we watch NEW MOON?

Me: Anytime you want, buddy. Anytime at all.


  1. I LOVE it! Especially the Glitter comment and the one about V. Your 9yr is adorable!

  2. Shannon Messenger12/15/2010 05:52:00 PM

    I'm not sure which makes me laugh harder. This, or the fact that it's so very similar to watching the movie with the hubs. :)

  3. You are obviously raising him right!!! LOL. Loved the dialogue. Loved it.

  4. Love him. :)

  5. This is the most adorable thing ever.


    Is this a kissing movie?!

    On a more serious note, do tell us what his thoughts are should he ever get around to watching New Moon. I would like to hear is sage thoughts on suicide by sparkling and werewolves being allergic to shirts etc.

  7. ::laughs:: That's hilarious. Smart kid.

  8. hahahah Myra! This is hysterical! I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall :)

  9. I really, truly enjoyed the heck out of it. And am super glad I dodged imprinting.

  10. I have no idea where it came from .......

  11. I think it's going to HAVE to happen. Perchance in the New Year.

  12. RAISING THEM RIGHT. You lead by example.

  13. My hubs just makes gross sounds and adds other special sound effects.

  14. THANK YOU! I think so! At least he doesn't scream about body parts in Borders.

  15. If only I'd known we were going to go this direction - I'd have vlogged.

  16. That is so funny! I still haven't seen this movie but I've heard so much about it that this was easy to follow! :)

  17. I'm sure you have some kid dialogue of your own going .... !!!!

  18. Maybe he'll be Siskel and Ebert. Or, just one of them.

  19. heh heh--I thoroughly enjoyed this!

  20. so darn adorable! I love the questions kids ask :)

  21. I just died. That was hysterical!!! The line about V was pretty funny, wait all of them were pretty funny. I can totally see it in my head.

    Also, how did you get your blogger to allow you to comment like that below? Intriguing.

  22. Ohmigosh, that was so adorable!

  23. Thank God my son is still totally absorbed by Star Wars and Phineas and Ferb.

    I'm still grieving over Thomas the Tank Engine.

  24. I was actually wondering the same thing about the fangs.

  25. Loriimagination12/16/2010 06:57:00 AM

    Love it!! It sucks everyone in!! Haha. I made my hubby go to the midnight release of Twilight and he complained the whole way there, but afterward he just kept asking me questions. lol So he finally read the books! There's no escaping it!

  26. Oh, the questions of boys! I take severe offense to the eating the science teacher comment, by the way. And you should totally be a courtroom recorder with your mad reporting skills.

  27. I am so very impressed. Also, he was probably more accepting of glittery Edward than I was. Good show, young sir, good show.

  28. P.S. Your V is also fierce like Victoria. But without the bloodlust. Which is sad, b/c I think she could pull off some bloodlust.

  29. Ha! I love your motherly advice about not climbing into girls' windows. :-)

  30. Boy: What kind of girl?

    Me: Just ......... a girl.


  31. Georgia Cranston12/16/2010 11:48:00 AM

    This is so awesome :) soooo so awesome :) I like the skin like ice and glitter bit ;)

  32. This conversation rocks! I love that you invite discussion during movies like this. I hope to do the same with my little boys as they start talking more. Just think how many possible misconceptions you've intercepted in this one conversation, and you helped him decide whether he wants to be a werewolf or vampire. Very important rite of passage. ;)

    Thanks for sharing.

  33. This is so classic! "And why doesn't she just wear another boot to the dance?" "Did they put GLITTER on him?"

    I think we are all eagerly waiting for you to both watch New Moon :)

  34. Hee! I think the whole not having to drink blood was the deciding factor. I enjoyed being able to talk to him about all of it - I hope we always talk about things. Maybe it won't change when he's a teen!

  35. I thought it was so sweet that he said, "It's kinda cool." :D

  36. I SO did not want to go there. AT ALL.

  37. I felt pretty fierce about that one !

  38. He was definitely more accepting than I was! And I think you're TOTALLY right about the bloodlust.

  39. I'm SURE he'd never have suggested it if YOU had been the science teacher in question. :D

  40. The fact that he read the books is the single most impressive husband story I have EVER HEARD.

  41. It was kind of accidental that it was even on - and he was too interested for me to change it! I don't think it will be a habitual thing. I HOPE.

  42. Thank you! I hope he agrees if he ever sees it!

  43. He's a mess.

    I installed Disqus. It's a third party commenting thing. It's all good so far!

  44. Me too! I'm glad they weren't TOO in depth, but I bet it's coming. :/

  45. Thank you! I definitely laughed out loud a few times. :D

  46. That is the most hilarious conversation! Love it :)

  47. Katie-Mundie Moms12/20/2010 01:36:00 PM

    LOL I'm laughing over the glitter comment!

  48. Elisabeth Black12/21/2010 06:49:00 PM

    "It depends on your point of view." LOL!

  49. I can't stop gigling reading this post XD

  50. Okay...being the ridiculously obsessive Twilight fan that I am I found this to be the funniest damned post ever. It was also an eerie preview to an identical conversation I will likely have with my own son one day. Awesome.


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