1. I woke up Tuesday morning and couldn't bite down without writhing in pain (even after two Motrin and 15 mils of Lortab).
2. I spent Tuesday afternoon at the dentist, where it was discovered I would need not one, but two root canals. However, I couldn't have the procedures done until Wednesday.
3. The "go ahead and bend over," vein continued when I found out I'd have to pay $1000 for the pleasure.
4. I spent the first part of that evening woozy from the meds the dentist gave me. The rest was spent alternating between embracing the cold tile of my bathroom floor and hanging face first above the porcelain pipeline.
5. I spent almost five hours in the dentist's office the next morning.
6. I did not get nitrous because they were OUT.
7. This made me very ANGRY. If you're going to inflict five hours of intense pain on me, at least get me high enough that I don't care. Nitrous is the only thing that makes going to the dentist tolerable. I don't do "the street drugs" as my friend Dian calls them. Nitrous is a high I'm allowed to legally enjoy every few years or so. I did not appreciate being denied the pleasure.
8. The dentist used a shield, which is basically a big latex glove they stretch over your face while they work on the one tooth they pull through the rubber. You can't talk, you can't swallow, you can basically only gesture with your eyes. (At least, that's all I could do, because they put that radiation vest over me when they took x-rays and failed to take it off after. I must say, if a cell phone signal can be received under that vest, I don't have a lot of hope for it keeping out radiation. But what do I know?)
9. I got to pick whatever I wanted to watch on the fancy flat screen hanging from the ceiling "to distract me." I picked Golden Girls. Because I love Golden Girls.
10. The dentist does not.
11. Yet, he gave a running commentary, occasionally accepting asides from the dental assistant. He didn't know all the names of the Golden Girls. He kept insisting there was a Norma.
13. I, being an expert on all things Golden, wanted desperately to correct him. Unfortunately, I could not, as I was drowning in my own saliva while being smothered by a rubber sheet.
14. My Crazy Tummy spilled over into this morning, so I ran a bath to amuse the Spider Monkey while I spent more time face-first in the porcelain bus. He took it upon himself to flood the upstairs bathroom.
15. As I type, there are buckets catching drippy-drips of water as they fall to my kitchen floor.
16. And in conclusion, the dentist's office ran my insurance wrong. My grand total for three days of pain was $1500.
We haven't figured out the grand total for the water damage.